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This one might be a little raw. I've been battling a headache for two days and haven't really slept well in a few nights. Seriously though, I'm done adulting today. I would give anything to go away for a couple days and just reset but that's not possible. I hate not having my partner here to lean on and balance things out. I never wanted to be a single parent, that's why I waited so long to have my daughter. I didn't want to do it alone and yet... here I am doing it alone. I always told Brian that we balanced each other out because somehow we just always knew what the other one needed and stepped it up when needed. So here I am 20 months later doing it on my own and yes we've learned to manage A LOT on our own but it SUCKS! The house seems empty, home projects get overwhelming, quiet nights are sometimes torturous. People don't seem to want to do things together and it's always been that way the 12 years that I've been here. I like my "me" time but I greatly miss my best friends and getting together to do things or have things to look forward to doing. Vacations seem overwhelming too. I love exploring new places and having new adventures but it's just not as much fun without someone to share them with. Yes, I know my daughter is with me but it's not the same.

When I went to see a medium a couple weeks after Brian passed the message he wanted to pass on to me was not to feel "stuck" here and to do what I needed to do for me. He knew I would know exactly what he meant. He knew it was hard for me to be far away from my best friends and my family. We had always talked about possibly moving after our daughter finished elementary school. But now, I am "stuck" The thought of ripping her away from where she is deeply rooted is just not comprehensible. She loves her school, her teachers, volleyball, extracurricular clubs, friends, their families counselors, etc. I just can't take that away from her after everything we've been through. She has come so far and had access to amazing programs that have helped her overcome and work through so much. I know I can't find that back home where my friends and family are. As parents, we sacrifice things that may be important to us for things that are best for our children or family. Well, most do, not all but that's a whole 'nother story.

That whole saying, "children are resilient" to me is really a load of BS! I mean how much do you really expect children to go through and come out a healthy, well rounded child/adult who doesn't need to go through therapy to "deal" with their childhood. That is not what I want for my daughter. What I want is for her to enjoy her childhood as much as possible, provide amazing experiences and opportunities for her to become the best person she can be.

Lately, although we are now in a rhythm I still find a lot of days hard. It's true what they say about going along and everything seems good and then BAM! something out of nowhere hits you and the grief overwhelms you for a bit. It could be a song, a smell, a memory, you name it... whatever the case may be it throws you off for awhile until you can regain your footing again. It's kind of like trying to figure out who you are all over again when you lose your significant other. I know a lot of people are also trying to figure out whether they should stay or go, try to make a new life somewhere else, get a fresh start, reinvent yourself... It's not an easy answer AT ALL. Especially when you have children involved. I definitely don't know what the answer is but until then I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other in hopes that it falls into place.